Q&A: Problems after Marriage Istikhara
Question
“Assalamu Alaykom
A guy proposed to me, and I was not sure if I wanted to give a chance because he lived in a different city and I did not find him attractive. I decided to pray istikhara because I knew that he came from a good, muslim family, and that I should start thinking about getting married. We started talking, and everything was perfectly fine. We had good chemistry, and from the beginning I told him that I didn't want to move, and we decided to leave that decision for the future. I thought that I had gotten my answers from my istikhara prayer because everything was going well, and my parents really liked him. 2 months went by, and suddenly he decided to talk about the moving once again. In his opinion, because I'm the girl I should be the one moving to his city, which I did not feel comfortable with, and I told him that we should find something in the middle (because he worked in a different city that lies in the middle of where I live and where he lives). We ended having an argument, and as he did not want to compromise, he decided to end things with me. This has left me really heartbroken and looking for answers. I would like to know, if I had misunderstood the answers from my istikhara prayer? How can the istikhara prayer lead me to something which turned out to be not khair for me? And how do I move on from this, and accept that he was not the right guy from me, and that Allah will give me with something better?”
Answer
“Wa Alaykum Assalam Wa Rahmatullah,
Dear sister, I think you are failing to realize that the fact that you prayed istikhara and then you had arguments with this boy which led to you not marrying him and breaking it off IS THE VERY ANSWER to your istikhara, walhamdulillah!
You see, praying istikhara is the way to seek answers from Allah SWT concerning something that we’re about to undertake which we are not sure about. So we pray, and then we start the journey to undertake this matter. If it is good for us, Allah SWT makes it easy and facilitates it and causes acceptance for us in this matter. If it is not good for us, then Allah SWT starts making it tough for you, giving you signals and signs to help you turn away from it.
Many people think that after praying istikhara you will immediately see a dream or experience intense positive or negative feelings about the matter. Sometimes, this happens, and sometimes it is not such. You have to study the words of the istikhara:
“O Allah, verily I seek the better [of either choice] from You, by Your knowledge, and I seek ability from You, by Your power, and I ask You from Your immense bounty. For indeed You have power, and I am powerless; You have knowledge and I know not; You are the Knower of the unseen realms. O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, and grant me blessing in it. And if You know that this matter is not good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then turn it away from me and me from it; and decree for me better than it, wherever it may be, and make me content with it.”
In this du’a you are relinquishing your decision-making and submitting your will to Allah SWT. So you go along with your life and see how Allah SWT makes things unfold. Be aware of the signs and signals that Allah SWT is sending you and don’t force things. You now realize in your situation that you tried to make things work but they just weren’t. Isn’t that an answer to your du’a?
Please read these articles for more details about istikhara:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://islamqa.org/hanafi/qibla-hanafi/34495
https://islamqa.org/hanafi/seekersguidance-hanafi/107404
Now sister, I advise you to keep making du’a to Allah SWT to grant you a good and suitable spouse with whom you will live a good and happy life. Always keep making your istikhara and be aware of Allah SWT’s speaking to you through the signs He sends you.
May Allah SWT give you what’s best in this life and the next. Ameen!
Wassalam!”