Q&A: Parents Forcing to Marry Back Home
Question
“I am a 22 year old Pakistani female. I have just graduated university and my parents have decided to get me arranged marriage to a guy from Pakistan that I have never met. I have a boyfriend who is Afghan which I haven't told my parents about as they will not approve of him because of his ethnicity. I have tried talking to my mom, telling her I do not want to marry someone from back home because I grew up here and was raised here and our mentalities won't match. She said she did not care about my opinion and got abusive and told me how they will choose whoever they want me to get married to and I will have no say in it and it will surely be a guy from back home as she thinks all guys here are 'bad' and also not from the same caste as us. She hasn't talked to me at all after that day and is planning everything behind my back. I know Islam does not deem forced marriages to be valid but my parents are not willing to listen as they think whatever they do is best for us. I do not want to marry that guy. I should be allowed to pick who I want to marry especially since my boyfriend is a person of good character and a practicing muslim but they will never accept him because he is Afghan and the whole notion about "what will others say". I have been very stressed about this situation. I am not sure what to do. Whether to go along with the arranged marriage or to leave and choose my own life and marry someone I want as I am financially able to do so.”
Answer
“Wa Alaykum Assalam Wa Rahmatullah,
Dear sister, as you mentioned, your parents cannot and should not force you to marry someone you don’t want to marry, especially someone from back home with a very different mentality and upbringing. This is just a recipe for disaster.
Have you tried approaching them about the boy you wish to marry? Have you told them that you already a very suitable potential spouse already or are you just assuming they will not accept him?
Have him come to your house to propose to you formally with his parents if he is truly ready and serious to marry you. Once the two families meet, things may become easy and maybe Allah SWT will make their heart accept this man’s proposal and the problem will be solved. If you are just telling them about him with no actual concrete proposal coming from him, they will just dismiss it as a fling or something not serious. Have the boy talk to his parents and convince them to come to your parents with a serious marriage proposal.
If after doing this, they still refuse for no good reason, then I advise you to go to an Imam in your area to explain to him the situation and to talk to your parents about it and have them come to an understanding.
Leaving the house and getting married on your own, although it is permissible in your situation, I would only advise you to do this as a complete last resort after trying all avenues. If you are hitting a brick wall at every step that you take, then you should tell your parents that you want to marry this boy and that you will do so anyways, whether they approve or not, so they should give him a chance and accept him.
Of course I am only saying this based on what you’re saying, that the boy is a good Muslim and well mannered and would make a suitable spouse. If there is any deficiency in this, and that’s the reason your parents object, then that is a different story and their opinion should be listened to.
But if their only reason is that he is not Pakistani, and there is nothing else wrong with him, then that is not an Islamic attitude to have and stems for jahiliyyah (ignorance) which the Prophet SAAWS came to eradicate. You would be permitted in this situation to pursue the marriage on your own without their approval or consent. But please do not do this without consulting a qualified Imam or scholar first!
I pray that Allah SWT makes things easy for you and gives you a good husband and a happy life. Ameen!
Wassalam!”