Q&A: Dealing with Non-Muslim Second Wife
Question
“As salam alykum,
I’m a 25 years old afghan man from Kabul. I settled in England two years ago with my first wife. I'm working as a sales representative and I've had an affair with a non-muslim white colleague. As we had some sexual intercourse she ended up pregnant. As my first wife agreed we finally agreed to marry each other after that to give a better future to our child.
But I currently don't know how should I treat her as she isn't a Muslim woman, she like wearing a mini skirt and she behaves like most of western women. What should I do according to Islam?”
Answer
“Wa Alaykum Assalam Wa Rahmatullah,
Dear brother, please forgive me if you consider my words harsh, but I feel compelled to speak the honest and frank truth to you, and hopefully in this, you will find admonishment that will enable you to return to God in repentance and realize the gravity of your actions and course-correct yourself.
You start by telling me that you have committed adultery with this woman (one the greatest sins in Islam), but now you are worried about what she wears and that she behaves like western women. How come this wasn’t a concern to your when you were both committing sins? You didn’t notice her short skirts and what nationality she was from at that time?
I’m not sure what you expect exactly, that she turns into a pious servant of God overnight just because you now feel guilty about your mistake? Do you really think this is a reasonable expectation to have?
I don’t know what to tell you brother. You committed an atrocious sin with this woman, and now that the consequence of your sin was aggravated due to having a child out of wedlock, you are trying to correct it by wanting to change the other person you sinned with? Does this make sense to you?
Also, have you thought about your poor wife for a second, the one who had to bear the brunt of this pain and betrayal you have put her through? You are so lucky that she is actually accepting to remain with you and has agreed for you to keep this woman as a second wife. Your spouse is a great woman that is most deserving of eternal paradise for her patience and forbearance towards you!
Brother, you asked me for my advice and I am giving it to you. I’m sorry if you find it harsh, but I need to speak the truth. Please listen carefully and do exactly as I say if you want Allah SWT to forgive you and help you fix the life that you have messed up by this behaviour of yours.
First of all, you’re going to spend ALL your extra time outside of work and marriage responsibilities praying to God, asking forgiveness, doing righteous deeds, helping poor people and giving charity in the path of Allah. You’re going to do all these actions with 2 very clear intentions:
That Allah SWT forgives your sins and accepts your repentance and overwrites your wrong actions with the good ones (as per the hadith of the Prophet SAAWS: Good deeds wipe away bad ones.)
That Allah SWT puts ALL the rewards of these good actions you perform in the book of good deeds of your WIFE #1 that you hurt and betrayed because she has been so patient and understanding with you. (This will not diminish your own rewards, don’t worry)
As for the woman you intend to take as a second wife, you have to remember that you need to treat her as an equal wife to your first, pay her living expenses, buy her the same gifts, give her the same allowance, take her out just the same as your first wife, and everything else you do must be equal. This is unless she relinquishes her right to all this, else you are obliged to fulfill all these duties.
She is in not obliged to convert to Islam and you are not allowed to force her. If you want her to convert, then show her the beauty of Islam by your ACTIONS not by your WORDS. Do the above things I mentioned and make Du’a to Allah SWT to forgive you and her and to guide her, and watch how fast she will come to Islam and become a good righteous mother to your child.
As long as she is not a Muslim, she is not required to observe hijab and change her culture just to make you happy. You should have thought about this before you slept with her and had a child! This is why adultery is forbidden, because it disrupts the whole fabric of society and destroys marriages. Now you are forced to do damage control.
You asked me what you should do according to Islam? This is what you should do my brother, I made it very simple and clear for you. If you follow this path, you will find goodness, blessings, and your life will take a turn to the best insha’Allah.
If you try to find shortcuts and force things to happen your way, you will destroy your life and the life of those around you. Please do not take this course of action!
I really hope and pray that Allah SWT guides you and enables you to follow the right path and stay away from the wrong one, and help you fix the damage you have caused and enable you to repair the lives of those you have hurt in the best way possible. Ameen!
Wassalam!”